Sharing the darker side

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I share this post today because it’s the first time I stopped trying to write what I thought people wanted to hear and I just write exactly what I felt. It was a big moment for me. It’s when I decided to tell the truth and show the darker side of the journey. Enjoy.

“Why can’t we all just be skinny” Originally posted September 9, 2011

Maybe I shouldn’t be sharing this but I promised myself each post would be honest and this is honestly what I’m feeling at this moment. I published this to show that there’s a not so happy side of getting fit. Behind every weight loss I’m sure there was a struggle of some kind. And now you all get to see my struggle.

I had a hard workout today and it just makes me angry. I know that’s not what I’m supposed to say but the truth is loosing weight isn’t easy. I’m not cheery and optimistic about it all the time. Sometimes I get mad and frustrated. Why can (insert random name here) eat any and everything she wants, hasn’t exercised since high school gym class but still not gain a pound? Why do I have to work my butt off and struggle daily with all of my food cravings just to lose a pound or two?

I’ve had moments where I’ve stared at my stomach and just wished I could take a knife and cut off all the excess “meat”. Sometimes I think wouldn’t it be worth it to get rid of it all? Other times I look in the mirror and curse all the imperfections that are staring back at me.

Being a Christian I know this is wrong but I’d wish fatness on my enemies. I don’t think I even have any enemies but if I ever do I’d wish them fat. I wish that they had to go shopping with their friends and sit back and watch them try on clothes. But no fat girl you can’t fit anything in this store. But your loving friends find something that they think looks big enough and urge you to try it on… and guess what? It doesn’t fit… I have always blamed my dislike of the mall on the large crowds of people and annoying teenagers, but now that I’m being honest I think it’s all about the clothes. Going to a massive store just to have to go to one little section with clothes I can fit. It’s just not my idea of fun at all. Or the plus-sized stores that make me feel horrible about myself as soon as I step in. But guess what… most of the times they don’t fit me properly anyways. You know how frustrating it is to be too fat for the regular stores but not quite fat enough for the plus size stores? Feeling like my body doesn’t fit anywhere.

Weight loss isn’t always a walk through roses so I wanted to share the darker side. I’m far from where I started but I’m nowhere near where I want to be. Thanks for reading. I have some time to cool off and I’ll be back with a new attitude! 😉 Smooches

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