Monthly Archives: May 2013

3 month Check up

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Let me share what I have and have not been doing in the last few months.

First and for most I have been enjoying my house. Loving it sometimes but still hating it at times as well. Never ending to do lists bring me so much joy but other times it stresses me out so!

I have really taken a liking to gardening and have killed many plants, shrubs and herbs already. (I didn’t say I was good at it) I just replaced all my dead plants and bought a few citrus trees to plant in the backyard. And I have no idea why I thought I could keep a few trees alive when I’ve already lost spinach, parsley, and various indoor plants. I went to a plant show and told one of the farmers that I killed a succulent arrangement. They looked at me puzzled and said wow how did you manage to do that? And I said I guess I was really trying.

But other than being a plant serial killer I’ve managed to rejoin the gym. I am happy that I managed to join the gym but I haven’t stuck to a schedule yet. I’m still working on that. I’m starting off with Zumba and Spinning classes and from there I’ll branch off into other things. But at the moment I don’t think I’m ready to just walk in the gym and say I’m going to do a workout. For now I have to stick to classes.

Speaking of classes, I tried a Pure Barre class. And that class was intense! I see why ballerinas have such slim and toned bodies. I thought the class wasn’t something I’d like to do on a regular basis, but as I lose more weight Id be willing to give it another try just to switch up my workouts every now and then.

Running is something I have not attempted in the last few months. Maybe not even in the past year. But I’m ok with that. I didn’t start off running and I’m not about to restart with running either. For now walking is my thing.

EATING. I have not been eating well, counting calories or any of the such. That’s a complete fail. And that’s one thing that definitely has to get better. I have been making a conscious effort to buy more produce and have even started back juicing.

I canceled my cable subscription, not so I can get from in front of the television more but I think it will indirectly cause me to be a little more active.

I have definitely not been blogging. When I’m not living such a healthy lifestyle I feel like I can not blog about how to live a healthy lifestyle. I have been writing a blog with the title “My Last Fat Year” for several years and guess what? I’m as fat this year as I was last year. So I just feel like a big hypocrite. So please excuse me as I trying not to make a liar out of myself as I have been lying to you all for a couple years now. I need to live may prophecy.

There are many more small changes I can make. Do you have any suggestions? How do you ease yourself back into a healthy lifestyle?

Smile.

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Allow me to share my head space with you. I do apologize if this is darker than expected, but at times the truth isn’t rainbows and fairies. And my truth definitely isn’t. I’d compare it to falling in a well. Being trapped by darkness and not knowing when you will be able to come up for air. Looking for a friendly hand to save you but when you look around no one is there.

Every time something goes wrong, it tears out a little part of me. After so many of these little failures it makes it very hard to continue to try. It’s hard to believe in my dreams when I watch them fall apart piece by piece each day. My goals. My dreams. It all feels so elusive.

A smile is plastered on my face as my insides go numb because I know there’s nothing I can do about it. It feels like every day is a fight for my sanity and most days I am not strong enough to win. I know the fight has left my body. And I am tired, just tired of it all. The daily battles are too much to contend with.

This is my white flag. I surrender.

I’ll go to bed with my sins and be comforted by my grief because it is the only thing that could keep me warm at night. When there’s no fight left, just surrender and maybe it’ll be okay.

Not today and probably not tomorrow but one day I’ll feel the sunshine again. Soon I hope.

Now you know what’s underneath the smiles.