Allow me to share my head space with you. I do apologize if this is darker than expected, but at times the truth isn’t rainbows and fairies. And my truth definitely isn’t. I’d compare it to falling in a well. Being trapped by darkness and not knowing when you will be able to come up for air. Looking for a friendly hand to save you but when you look around no one is there.
Every time something goes wrong, it tears out a little part of me. After so many of these little failures it makes it very hard to continue to try. It’s hard to believe in my dreams when I watch them fall apart piece by piece each day. My goals. My dreams. It all feels so elusive.
A smile is plastered on my face as my insides go numb because I know there’s nothing I can do about it. It feels like every day is a fight for my sanity and most days I am not strong enough to win. I know the fight has left my body. And I am tired, just tired of it all. The daily battles are too much to contend with.
This is my white flag. I surrender.
I’ll go to bed with my sins and be comforted by my grief because it is the only thing that could keep me warm at night. When there’s no fight left, just surrender and maybe it’ll be okay.
Not today and probably not tomorrow but one day I’ll feel the sunshine again. Soon I hope.
Now you know what’s underneath the smiles.