Monthly Archives: July 2013

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I had a first last month. I bought my first (and second) pair of size 20 pants. Aye yi yi. Jumping from 16 to 18 was traumatizing, but when I had only a few pair of pants that fit I knew it was time to buy a pair or two of pants that I could fasten properly. I also decided a size jump wasn’t worthy of a pricey or luxurious pair of pants so I went to Walmart and purchased a couple pair of trousers I could comfortably wear to work.

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This could possibly be classified as oversharing but lately I could be caught wearing pants that won’t zip or button and are only held together by a belt that is hidden under an oversized blouse. I share this detail because I hope I am not the only person guilty of this. Having to spend the whole day double checking to make sure your little wardrobe secret stays hidden. At a time when even the best and most tailored outfits make you feel uncomfortable. Because the honest truth is you are not comfortable in your skin. Trying on clothes, looking in a mirror and NUDITY are all tasks that you avoid as much as possible. But unfortunately there’s that mirror in front of the shower that you inadvertently get a peek at almost every night. And that one short glance before you can divert your eyes away is enough to bring tears to your eyes and shame to your conscious.

The solution to this constant sea of wardrobe malfunctions is quite easy to identify, but at this time feels impossible to implement. Why is this task that I once lived for and wanted more than anything feeling like an impossible feat? The will to lose weight is not in a single inch of my body. Even with the constant embarassment of wearing ill fitting clothes and self judgement the will is just not there.

How can I motivate myself? How do you make yourself work for something that feels outside of your grasp?  Will posting an embarassing secrets light a fire to me? Or maybe stepping on the scale to face the numbers?

How do you make yourself do something when you lack motivation?