Category Archives: Life

Failure

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I miss blogging. And what I miss even more than that is losing weight. And then I probably miss free time, home cooked meals and lazy Saturdays as well.

I could tell you how I’m going to get back on track and am starting to stick to a schedule, but I’m probably not. I just want to be honest. I am struggling to prioritize my life and some things seem a lot more pressing at the moment.

I have a reminder of just how overweight I am at least once a day. From the struggle of putting lotion on your feet to not being able to button that top or slacks that you loved so much to to getting winded walking short distances. It’s all a struggle that no one should face daily.

I miss the fitter version of me and I miss blogging as an outlet. But with grad school, starting 2 new business and a new job I just don’t know where my health fits into all that.

And then there’s friends. Oh my dear friends. If you don’t fall into the classmate, client, business partner or coworker categories then I probably don’t see or talk to you often. I miss you guys too… I miss leisurely lunch with friends where we don’t have laptops, iPads or notes to look over.

It sounds like I am complaining and I guess to a degree I am, but a good friend told me everyone has sacrifices they have to make for what they want. But what do you do when you want it all?

I want to be successful in my academic pursuits, professional endeavors, entrepreneurial aspirations, relationships, health, financial goals and religious convictions.

My definition of success is looking back and having no regrets. That’s my dream and I’m working towards it. This post actually came from me daydreaming. I was thinking of all the things I was missing out on and all the things I felt I failed at recently and began to write it out on my iPhone.   That was two weeks ago and I have been trying to achieve a balance ever since then.

I’m becoming an expert on failure, but I do know if you never fail then you’ve never truly tried anything. So does that mean I should be grateful for my failures?!?! I think so…. here are a few things that have not gone quite right for me… Spending two whole weeks of preparation to not make a single dollar at an event. Stepping on the scale to see a number that is within 5 pounds of the number I vowed never to see again. Researching, creating and presenting an itinerary to a client that they just rejected and sent me back to square 1. After several interviews realizing you may have to start with an entry-level job after earning your MBA because you don’t have experience in the field you’re trying to pursue. Then there’s the 75 you made on a test that you spent night and day studying for a solid two weeks.

That’s a brief synopsis of my recent failures, but I am constantly trying to fight through them all. Clearly I’m not a stranger to failure, but I’m learning to never be a quitter. So you may not hear from me often, but please know I haven’t quit.I’m just trying hard to figure out this thing called life and all its ups and downs.

Until soon,

Carnisha

Going shopping!

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This past Sunday as I was looking for something to wear to church, I just happened to venture into the closet in my office. I often call this closet my too small closet. I’m really showing how horrible I am with words, not to find a better name for this closet. But that’s just what it is over here! I first introduced my closet and all the clothes I dream of wearing again in a post last Halloween which I entitled Closet of Horrors. Well this time around the trip wasn’t so horrific, it was actually nice.

October 2013

October 2013

This was me trying unsuccessfully to get this old time favorite shirt on without any luck. I couldn’t even button the lower buttons.

June 2014

June 2014

Here is me on Sunday, all buttoned up! I was so excited that I took a picture with my bonnet still on my head! Please excise that by the way!

It was really encouraging to be able to get some “new” clothes without the expense of having to purchase any.

New Clothes!

New Clothes!

I was able to get 4 shirts and five pairs of pants. About a month or so ago I was able to put three pairs of jeans back into my normal closet.

I haven’t tried on any dresses, skirts or shorts yet. But maybe in a month or so I’ll be able to get into some more of this stuff as well. There are 8 pairs of jeans in there waiting for me to come back to them. It’s funny that the stuff in this closet ranges from size 12/14-18. So there’s tons of motivation in there. Slowly but surely I’ll be cleaning that closet out so I can use it for just outer and winter wear so I can get shelves in my hall closet and be able to use tat just for linens. Oh the dream! One day it’ll become reality.

Being able to fit into old clothes is definitely a confidence booster, but I’m finding myself very stressed lately and have been making some poor food choices earlier this week as well as exercising less than I’m supposed to be this week. I’ve been doing more of 3-4 workouts than 4-7 that I was aiming for this week. I’ll try to get the ball back swinging. Maybe I need another Dietbet to make sure I keep myself accountable and don’t get too lazy. I will definitely keep a close handle on things and I’ve even asked my friends to hold me accountable as well. I mean I do still have LOTS of clothes to fit into!

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Adventures in Carnishaland

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I realize that I’ve been vague about several things in the past month or two, but in my defense, even people who know me well know I’m pretty vague all the time. Mostly if you want specifics from me you generally have to flat out ask. In an effort to share my life, struggles and triumphs I decided it was time to fill you all in on what’s been going on.

I’ve mentioned in several posts about wanting to take risks, live life more freely, pursue my dreams, etc. Notice a theme??? I’ve been behind the scenes planning and scheming on how to make all those things become a reality instead of just writing about them.

I took what some may call a big leap of faith and others may think as plain stupid decision, but I resigned from my job of five and a half years. Please forgive me for not sharing this sooner, but I’m sure you understand that I needed to make sure my employer was aware of my decision and I also had to make sure I was completely at peace with my decision.

Many people aren’t able to make such a huge leap with nothing much more than the hopes of being able to find a job when I become ready for employment again or when the money runs out lol. But seriously, I felt this was the best decision for me and I have faced many people that don’t understand or agree. Surprisingly, an overwhelming amount of my friends and family understand and support my decision. They understand I am strong willed and determined; but most of all I am not a person that is a stranger to hard work, so if I find myself in need of money or a job I trust that I’ll make that my number one priority and put everything into the hunt.

Is this a risk? Absolutely. Am I certain it will be worth it? I hope so. Do I still have a mortgage and bills to pay? Yes sir/ ma’am. I feel it is in my best interest emotionally, spiritually, physically and academically to take 3-6 months off from work. It’s crazy that I LOVE the adrenaline rush that being unemployed has given me. I know there are (and have been) times when I think I’ve lost my mind and made a huge mistake, but more than that are times when I am overly excited, tremendously happy and can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

If you’re the praying type, I’d appreciate your prayers for guidance, strength and to stay motivated.

Now that I’ve spilled the beans, let me tell you what I’ve been up to for the last week and a half or so…

Health is a big thing for me right now. I’ve been working out and eating well. I have no excuse not to eat healthy and work out at least 5 times a week. But I’ll talk about that more in an upcoming post. I’m so excited there’s so much to share!

I haven’t been laying on the couch all day and watching the boob tube. Unfortunately, in the nearly two weeks of unemployment, I’ve only slept in once! Unbelievable! And that was actually a Sunday. My days have been super busy preparing for upcoming trips and finalizing other details that come with an unforeseen period of unemployment.

Did I mention travel as one of the things I plan to do while on this “Sabbatical”? It’s no secret, traveling is one of my new-found loves and I’m so delighted to have the chance to do more of it. I’m typing this post right now as a courtesy of the wifi at the Baton Rouge Regional airport. I’m awaiting my departure for a flight to Omaha, Nebraska which is where I’ll be able to meet Mr. Warren Buffett tomorrow with a group of students from LSU’s Finance and MBA programs. Am I excited? HELL YEAH! Please excuse my rambles today as I try to update you with what’s going on in Carnishaland. It’s a pretty wild and crazy place, but it definitely doesn’t get too boring here! I’m doing a weight loss bet that I plan on sharing with y’all next week. And hopefully I’ll also share some tips on exercising and eating well while traveling! Wish me luck! And I’ll say hi to Warren for y’all!

 

Not so Fat Tuesday

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No Mardi Gras for me.

Photo Credit: New Orleans CVB via soulofamerica.com

Life has a funny way of changing your plans. I had my weekend all planned out with everything I wanted to do, the places I wanted to visit and the workouts I planned to get in. But my body said you will do none of this!
I was sick for about a good week. I felt like a prisoner inside of my home. Earlier last week I did want a “sick day” or two, but boy you should be careful what you ask for. Last Tuesday is when I started feeling like something was wrong and it just progressed Wednesday. And by Thursday I wasn’t able to move around much at all. I spent Thursday until Monday literally on my couch with a few friends and family bringing me food and to the doctor for checkups.
You may wonder what was the culprit? Staph infection! Staph infection can be anywhere from a mild nuisance to life threatening. In my case, it wasn’t life threatening at all but did require medical treatment due to the area and size of the infection. This is something I’ve dealt with before, but just not at this magnitude. Walking, getting up and not to mention getting in and out of a car were all extremely painful Thursday- Sunday. Thankfully Monday- Tuesday I was in recovery mode and fully off my hydrocodone by Tuesday.
I say all this because my excessive weight puts me at a higher risk factor for these type of cysts. It is my belief that is why this one was way worse than any others I’d ever had. I weigh more than I ever have.
Crazy enough there was a silver lining to my illness… I weighed 273.8 on Wednesday 2/26/14 and then I randomly hopped on the scale when I started feeling better (Wed 3/5/14) and weighed 269.2. That’s just crazy to drop that much weight without any effort. That’s 4.6 pounds in a week with no exercise and eating whatever friends and family brought me.
My coworkers said I looked so happy to be at work on Wednesday, I said if you’d been stuck on your couch for 6 days you’d be happy to be out too, regardless of the venue. I’m so glad to be back up and at it and now I can make a conscious effort to add to that weight loss.

That Fat Girl

Some words hurt and others have a way of rolling right off your skin. Being called a fat girl started to become just who I was and not even sting the way many people thought it should. That’s what and who I am. I am that fat girl.

I weighed myself yesterday and wasn’t at all shocked by the number on the scale. If I’m being honest, I actually thought it would have been a little higher. The scale read 273.8, which means my BMI is 48, which is in the extremely obese category. Just to for a frame of reference, a healthy BMI is between 19-24. (You can check your BMI using this WebMd calculator.)

I have to decide not to identify as that fat girl anymore. I don’t want to do things that are stereotyped for that type of person. It’s pretty similar to a decision I had to make a long time ago not to be that black girl. I hate labeling myself because I don’t think there’s just one box that I fit into. I am a beautiful collection of bits and pieces from all different categories. I am that girly girl, that tomboy, that religious girl, that ourdoorsy girl, that loving girl, that nerdy girl, that quiet girl, the list goes on and on but it does include that fat girl. At least, for now. But I won’t let you single me out into any one of those categories because it doesn’t define me. I am a unique combination of so many things and I want to embrace them all. Sometimes I’m incredibly timid and other times I may seem like the life of the party. Now I am a fat girl, but I will not be that girl forever.

There’s no point in dreaming if you aren’t willing to get up and put the work in to make it reality. A hard lesson to learn, but when you learn it whole heartedly, it will change your life forever. I am such a dreamer, but now I know that you have to wake up in order to make your dreams become reality.

So day by day I will continue to prove to myself what’s important in my life. I’m so excited, scared and nervous about these changes, but I realize it’s necessary. I will put my money where my mouth is so to say and prove to me and everyone else that I am willing and able to wake up and stop dreaming. It’s time for action.

I sincerely hope that you all start or continue making strides to conquer your dreams. There’s a long road ahead but the longer you wait, the farther away it becomes. SO what are you waiting for?

Progress

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I’m sad to say last week I didn’t quite hit my five mile mark. I am disappointed about that fact and honestly I am looking at my calendar for this week and I may not be able to get it done this week either, but I guess that’s called being negative???

Last week I went for what started as a jog and then not even 2 minutes in, it became a battle against me and my burning/cramping calves. So needless to say I did not get too much mileage in… I managed to get about a mile and a half completed. Then Saturday night after movies, popcorn and candy I went to the gym around 10 or so and got 2 miles in. I think that was my proud moment of last week, getting off my comfy couch on a Saturday night and going to the gym. And my lesson learned from last week was I am not ready for jogging!

So this week I finally got my group presentation over! But with finals, study groups and other planned activities, I’m going to have to get super creative to get my miles in. Tonight my teacher proposed that we will have to stay in class from 6-10 because we missed a day last week due to weather. Urgh, doesn’t he know I’m trying to get some gym time in? Even with my inconsiderate professors, finals, bible study, etc I will make an attempt to get three workouts in.

But there’s also been progress with food selections and my appetite. I have been purchasing more produce and lean proteins as well as going back to cooking more. I will spare you all I ate while watching the Super Bowl (no progress there), BUT I don’t think I over stuffed myself as I usually would when surrounded by so many of my favorite foods. I made sure to chomp down on a significant amount of broccoli (my new fav snack) which made me feel a little bit more responsible. And this morning I stopped and had hash browns and my body was seemingly rejecting them, like what is this greasy mess you are putting in my body? But I’m learning to listen to my body, especially paying attention to when I’m really hungry and not just wanting to eat everything I see.

I really tried to weigh myself this weekend, but my scale needed batteries, and of course it doesn’t take the A, AA or C batteries that I keep on hand. So whenever I find time to get those batteries or buy another scale that takes normal batteries I will share my current weight with you. I’ve had several doctor appointments in the past few weeks, so I’m aware of the number and let me tell you it’s a bit shocking.

I just wanted to check in and let you know I’m making progress. There are areas where I can give a greater effort, but I’m pretty content with the progress I’ve made given everything else that I’m juggling at the moment.

I wish you all luck on your goals this week. I hope next week I’ll be able to share my weight and let you all know that I made my five miles for the week. I’ll leave you with a quote I saw on the gym last week, “You don’t have to be great to start, you have to start to be great”.

Have a great week ladies and gents!

 

 

Superwoman

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I am not Superwoman, but isn’t that what I’m supposed to be?

Maybe it’s all in my head that I have to be stronger, smarter and tougher than the woman next to me. That’s what I try to live up to everyday. I can do by myself what any man, woman or couple can do… Perhaps that’s why I always feel like I’m failing.

It depends on why you ask, some people may not think I’m failing at all, but that’s far from the point. I hold myself to unrealistic expectations. I want to do well in school, work, life, spirituality, love, fitness, and finances. But last year I realized I can’t do it all. While trying to stick my hands in too many pots, it’s no wonder I get burned in a few of them. It feels as if I’m drowning and just can’t quite keep it all together.

So what’s the solution? STOP. Those simple four letters that are so easy to type but so difficult to execute. This year I want to take great risks and live life freely. I don’t want to be bound by my expectations of myself or expectations of anyone around me. I want to do things that move me, just for that simple reason and nothing more. I want to live life in color instead of the safe grayscale existence I’ve forced upon myself. I want to be beautiful, feel beautiful and live beautifully.

I’ve always loved the song Superwoman by Alicia Keys, but never quite examined the lyrics. Here’s the first verse…

Everywhere I’m turning

Nothing seems complete

I stand up and I’m searching

For the better part of me

I hang my head from sorrow

state of humanity

I wear it on my shoulders

Gotta find the strength in me

The song is actually about NOT being a superwoman by the traditional definition, but being exactly who you are and doing it gracefully. So I’m going to work on being more patient and kind with myself and accepting all my flaws as I would accept them in others. That is my task for this new year.

I teased one of my dear friends about her more than 25 revisions of a blog post that she recently shared with the world, but I can not tease her at all. I understand the difficulty in sharing the personal stuff that you don’t even share with your closest friends, but yet here it is up on the internet to be seen by any random passerby. I can not tease her at all because I originally wrote this on December 17th and have made various changes and shyed away from sharing this ever since then. But thank you for unknowingly helping me find the courage to put my words on this screen. Thank you for being brave ad showing me how perfectly imperfect a woman can be. You are a Superwoman.

For everyone that comes across this page, I hope that you become the best version of yourself, not just this year but for countless years to come. Happy New Year.